Friday, February 16, 2018

journal excerpts + pics 2017

2. 12.17 "your momma must be so proud"
3.3.17. my car started lol
3.26.17 face-timing til one in the morning and eating bagels together a thousand miles away
4.1.17 corn hole at Granny's + banana pudding
4.9.17 planning to skip prom and eat waffles and play xbox instead
5.11.17 mom brought me breakfast in bed whAt
5.17.17 but I ran and ate bread and samoas and drove unfamiliar country roads with wet hair and late sun on my bare arms and now the sky is pink and purple fading to dark behind the trees and it's ok
5.21.17 everything is so good and I'm too scared to think about it or I'll cry cause beginnings mean endings and time slips by so fast and I don't know how to love people well enough yet. what if I've lived all this time and they haven't seen Jesus yet?
5.24.17 "it was probably nothing but it felt like the world"
6.3.17. me:smiling  him:shut up

6.5.17. dad "olivia can you come back in here real quick? i want you to hear a song"
6.11.17 ..i'm here to serve my Savior. i'm here to love, cherish worship, glorify, and enjoy Him above all else. i'm here to serve other people. & i'm so tired of all the other stuff occupying so much space in my finite brain.
6.24.17 everybody home. pizza.
7.4.17 "when we behave this way, when we refuse to love someone and deliberately withold our love from them.. instead of calling them higher, we are condemning them to stay where they are, in their faults and sins and shortcomings. we won't acknowledge the best in them because we want to make them pay for their bad behavior first. we are seeking to punish them, but in doing this we are feeding the very thing we wish to starve and condemning them to be their worst forever." - eric metaxas, "if you can keep it" 12:20am
7.21..17 [what i learned] that it's okay to open up. to listen when it hurts and when you wanna fight back and defend. how pretty the view from jefferson memorial is at sunset. what good thai food tastes like. that we don't always know what God's doing but He's always good and He never leaves us alone. to stop dismissing the psalms that are all about praise.
7.24.17 today i failed a lot. today Jesus said again come as you are
7.25.17 i feel so loved i might die
8.2.17 the ocean $1 tacos 50 cent frosties springsteen's greatest hits sunroof down
8.6.17 and sometimes "for the best" still feels like the worst
x.x.17 the held glance in the mirror of ur eyes, brow creased in concentration, messy hair 11:35am
9.19.17 will having mom in his contacts as mammy
10.2.17 "mY Favorite Things iS to Be With YOU" note from jules
10.21.17 i just can't believe there was a a last time they got to hear his voice and a last time they got to give him a hug and maybe they didn't do it like they meant it. i can't believe for him this life is over already, too soon
10.24.17 never on the day you leave / john mayer
11.10.17 "so also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice and no one will take your joy from you"
12.13.17 laying out in the field in the freezing cold under a blanket with the boys to watch the meteor shower "where the heck is the little dipper like what the freak"
1.1.18: "no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him" / 1 cor 2:9
and it was Good
how was ur 2017 ??? xo

ps within the next week or so I'm gonna have a "how to journal-ing" post going up on Odyssey. OH I guess I haven't told you guys yet, but I'm writing weekly for Odyssey now, and you can find my stuff all HERE. check back in a week or so and you can see my post on "5 ways to start a killer journal and actually stick with it"! WHOO! sorry this post took me so long I'm kind of the worst. ok thanks love u all bye.

Friday, January 26, 2018

finished

why do the failures never end
why do I always think that it depends on me
why do I hide in my shame when You died that I might be free from it
why do I let myself think that it's in my power to reverse what You have called

"finished"

because even in my lowest acknowledgement of my depravity
if it keeps me from running to You it's still pride
thinking I can do it on my own 
or that there's anything in me that could mend the brokenness that I've caused
that I'm the exception

"He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all-"

no, not me
He didn't know how bad I would be
do I really think I know better than You?
any holding back from You is an insult to the sacrifice You made in order to have intimacy with me


"come to Me"

You say it again and again
and I come
only after staying away
stubborn and reluctant and unworthy
but, Jesus, I come
"let me only be a servant"
but no, You say
no, again and again

You patiently, faithfully, mercifully, lovingly,
remind me of the gospel I am so quick to forget

yes, I'm undeserving, a million times yes
but it's not about me

Your Son died on a cross with nails through His hands and feet
hammered in by my own soft, un-scarred ones
with a crown of thorns shoved down upon His head
woven by the faithless hands of His creation
He chose this that His worth, holiness, deserving
might be mine


"I will remember your sins no more"

oh, God, how soon I forget
how dare I suggest that Your life, love, death, and resurrection
is insufficient, not enough for me

help me to cast off the burdens 
You have already borne for me
this guilt and shame has already been paid for
this weight is not mine to shoulder

"you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear,
but the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out 'abba! father!'"

Father, help me to embrace who I am in You
a daughter with a greater inheritance of joy than I can imagine
more deeply known and loved than I can know

help me fall down on my knees before You
and rise up again in worship

help me give my life and my all for You
it's all for You

Monday, January 8, 2018

maybe

and maybe the day will come when you have to say goodbye
to the memories that kept you up at 1 am smiling into your sheets
to the scrawled pages of your journal full of inadequate words
to the long list of music that he sent you over the years
to the laughter coming through the speaker on your phone
to the too long eye contact and the too long hugs and the too long looks from everyone around

and then he'll meet someone, and he'll be telling you about her like he always does
and suddenly you'll think "oh, wait. this is the one."
and you always knew it would happen, but not this soon
and it all happens so fast and you're too happy for words cause you see the way his eyes light up when he talks about her and how suddenly his words are the inadequate ones trying to describe her to you
but you're still so sad because you love the way he's smiling right now and how he says your name when he talks about something serious

and you'll be at his wedding and he'll give you a hug at the reception before they leave
and you'll be crying happy tears along with everyone else
they'll wave goodbye as they drive off and he'll be happy
but you'll say goodbye as they drive off barely moving your lips so that just a cloudy breath of air dissolves in the cold and it'll be over
and maybe you'll be just fine